2:08 a.m. - March 25, 2005
make new friends but keep the old...
I should be sleeping but i'm doing homework insted. I'm feeling kinda down today and detached from the world. I guess i'm just missing my friend's from home. I'd like to see Monica and make her happy as she says i do and I'd like to joke about stupid things with katie while we wonder around the mall or target or Kick back with Nancy doing whatever it is we do. Though i'd really like to talk to Alicia more but she's always busy with school or eveythign else. I wonder what David is up to he's always got some sort of drama going on. I guess i'm just missing having a best freind whos around it's been years. I can't even remember. I see others with freinds who are really close like so close if they were gay they'd be together without a doubt. That's the kind of friendship i want right now, someone who knows me like the back of their hand and i know them. Sure i remeber facts and info freinds tell me, i'm not so good at birthdays but other things like crushes and stories and stuff they'd kill me if someone found out but i always feel like no one listens so i say the same stuff over and over. It always suprizes me when someone remebers something i said. It was that way with Julie she'd rememeber stuff i said and i always thought we were alike in our wants and personailties but who knows for sure really i mean look how that turned out. Then Sarbrina called me her best friend but that was toatal B.S. seessh i make too many friends with issues. I attach myself to thease people because i want to help but i can't help so i break off our ties and then it starts all over again. David is the sole exception i know my parents wanted me to break off our friendship but i can't he's david he knows me for me. He dosn't have to know my hobbies or intrests or know what radio station i always have on but he knows me. He knew the little blonde first gradered that sucked her thumb and was too shy to talk to most strangers including parents. He knew the girl who was made fun of in jr. high when she wasn't cool engough and didn't dress right and wanted so despreatly to become popular. He knew the girl who tried to find herself though pink, blue and purple hair and he knows the college freshman who likes warm arizona but dreams of moving to california someday. How can i just turn my back on him after all he has been though. Sure he lies but thats a problem he has but there are some truths within the lies that i pick apart to figure out the meaning. Then theres kitty ahh kitty my older freinds will know but my newer ones have no idea about the girl i still call my best friend from kindergarden who moved to WI years latter. Yet we still keep in touch though not as much as we used to.
I'm tired. I don't feel like washing my makeup off. so it will run down the sides of my face long black streeks down my cheeks. is that too unlike me? is not ok becasue nice girls can't listen to angry rock music or wear black makeup to outline their eyes? Or can one person only be one "lable" and nothing else? Can a blonde girl not be stupid? Are supposed to have ONE type of muic you like and nothing else? Can a girl whos been giving up on in school becasue of dyslexia and a learing disabilty make it in the world? What if i don't want to become an actor or a writer? So what if i talk alttle too fast and have a slight lisp and i mumble alittle too soft my jaw is all wrong and my teeth are crooked? So what if i;m not a size 8 anymore? So what if can't spell and don't have a big vocabulary and don't pay attention to my scroundings and can't sit still? yet... why do i care about all these things?
Why do i wish sometimes i was someone else?
